Deonna:

Hey y'all. Welcome to episode 8 of Raising Disabled. So today we're starting this new series and it's going to be called DumbThings People Say, and these are gonna be just like every once in a while and we're gonna go through some of these really common phrases that people say to us as parents of disabled kids.

And we're going to start out with one that everybody has said to all of us, and it's the quote, “everything happens for a reason” and this is a thing that we have all heard when something bad happens to us. And me and Rhandyl both recognize that this is to make us feel better, and we know most people who say these things that we don't like they mean well, they mean well.

And they do. I mean, they're not trying to upset us and they, they're trying, and I give people a lot of credit for trying, because I've had so many people who see me when we're in like a group or something and they just bolt the other direction. They don't Oh, yeah. Wanna talk to me about what's happened with Allie cuz it's, it's hard to talk about.

Yeah. Or Yeah, for sure. You know, I recently lost my little brother and you know, they, they don't wanna talk about that. So they just bolt and go the other direction. And, we're gonna talk about why these phrases aren't our favorite. and what we feel about them, and maybe why they trigger us and just kind of just talk about them.

And we just wanna remind everybody at the beginning of this that, you know, when you're going up to somebody and you're trying to encourage 'em we're gonna give you at the end of this some advice about what to say maybe instead of this, but you know, it's okay just to hug someone and say you love them, and that is enough on its own feel.

Rhandyl:

Yeah. Sometimes feel like people, sometimes it's just not saying anything can be better than saying things. Oh, yeah, it hundred percent.

Deonna:

It speaks volumes sometimes. I mean, I've had people just like crying to my shoulder. 

Rhandyl:

Mm-hmm, seven second hug.

Deonna:

Oh yeah. A long hug. Yeah. And I, and I'm not a big hugger, so that's been fun, but yeah, it's been, yeah. But we just are trying to try to teach you guys maybe things to say instead of this and why some of these aren't our favorite. And so, you know, with the “everything happens for a reason," I used to believe that every single thing on this planet happened for a reason, and I honestly think that was pre-anything bad happening to me.

So yeah, pre my multiple sclerosis diagnosis, pre Allie getting hurt, pre my brother dying. And so now I'm, I'm not as sure and we're gonna talk about that, but you know, one of the first things, and me and Rhandyl both felt this way, is just like when something bad happened to me, it felt like I was getting punished and that was the reason that was, you know, everything happens for a reason. Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah. And so I'm like, well, I wasn't a mm-hmm. Good enough person. Like yeah, you know..

Rhandyl:

I said this back then and now, you know, here's my punishment for thinking the way I did or saying things. Yeah. That I said.. for sure. Oh yeah. Like, that's the reason this is happening is because I did that. Yeah. It's so dumb when you say it out loud, but it is, I thought. Okay. But I, I feel like everyone probably thinks has something in their..I think all humans probably have just that guilt. Yeah. In the back of their head, like, oh,  it's on me, that’s why it's happening. 

Deonna:

Yeah. So when you tell somebody everything happens for a reason, usually people are saying it's to, for something good to happen later on. Yes. But you know, that's not how we hear it. It's like, okay, well yeah, it is happening for a reason and it's because of something I did. Mm-hmm. And you know, and so it can bring up guilt with people who maybe had that. So, you know, that's kind of the beginning of that. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and so I'm kind of on the fence with the, with the phrase, not really the phrase, but the meaning of it, you know, cuz people can take it different ways. Right. For sure.

Yeah. And so like, I believe all things that we don't understand, we may never know, Earth side. But yeah, I have faith that everything we're given or dealt in this life was known by God even before our own conception, so, right. I guess in theory I do think things happen for a reason, although we as humans can't comprehend it all the time. Right. But it's so, it's just, it's, it's a big question, but it's also not a phrase you should use when someone's going through something traumatic.

Deonna:

Especially when it's  fresh to that person. Mm-hmm. But and I do think the way we view that, cuz me and you are both Christians and right, not everybody's a Christian and believes in God and does all, you know, all this stuff. And I like, so we can only speak from our view and from the view of the parents that we talk to. But in my faith and in my life, God is with us and he knows what's ahead for us and so he's in control in a way that I'm not. 

And one of my favorite verses through all of this stuff that's happened is Deuteronomy 31: 8, and it says, The Lord Himself goes before you and He'll be with you, and He'll never leave you alone and forsake you so don't be afraid and don't be discouraged. And I do believe that God is always out there one step ahead of us. He knows what's happening. Well, he is not one step ahead of us. He's like a lot of steps ahead of us. Multiple lifetimes. Yeah. Multiple steps ahead of us. But, but I mean, he always knows what's happening and what's coming so. Right. You know, even before I was thought of, he knew Deonna's gonna go through this as an adult and it's gonna, It’s gonna happen, He knew. 

And I remember very vividly because when Allie first got hurt, we were not able to properly  mourn with our friends and family because Covid was happening and mm-hmm. I kind of risked it a little bit and went and hung out with my friends one time before we moved away and everything. And I'm sitting with my friends and our preacher's wife was there, Beverly, and she said, I, cuz I'd said something to the extent of, you know, well everything happens, I guess this is all part of my life and this is happening for a reason, I don't know and, you know.., and Beverly just said, you know, we live in this broken world where broken things are gonna happen, and not every single thing that happens is gonna have some massive reason for it. Mm-hmm. And, but it just, it was so confusing to me at the time because what was happening felt so huge.. Of course, to me. And I, and I was searching for a reason and mm-hmm. I think we all do that so… Oh yeah. It's just part of that.

But I do think just random freak accidents happen and I think, God, I mean, I feel like God knows that these things are gonna happen, but to me, and this is kind of what my feelings are about it, is, it's just what you're gonna do with that situation. And, I, I kind of think to myself a lot, I can either survive this or thrive during it, and I can either just make it through it; which is what a lot of people do, and that's fine. Or I can do something with it and that's what we're trying to do here. Exactly. And that's what we're trying to do through, you know, devotionals.

I mean, that's my main motivation with even doing this is, what can I do to turn this into something that's good because it's been a lot of bad. Mm-hmm. And yeah, I, I do think the accidents happen, but I think God's with us every step of the way, and he's gonna be with us. 

But we've talked about this, but I, I think that people take Romans 8: 28, which I’ll tell you all that if you don't know it but it says, and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who've been called according to His purpose. But, Romans 8: 28, it can give us this comfort knowing that whatever happens to us here on earth, that God's gonna work those difficult things out for good if we trust in Him.

But we may not get it, we may not understand. No, because. We're human. You were saying God. Yeah. Like, I mean, I think that's what's so cool about God is our comprehension of Him.  We can't even comprehend Him. No. And, and that's okay. We, we can't understand God and we definitely can't understand what He's doing like.. Right. ..ever, it feels like. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and I think with, with my situation with my daughter, Remi, there is so much unknown still to this day. Like, we don't have Right. A good answer to really any of her any, anything that, from the day she was born till now, there’s so many… Yeah….questions. And we have literally  no clue, why she is the way she is. And so, that's just, just wrapping our heads around that and accepting that that's okay. And we may never know is kind of similar to this “everything happens for a reason."  We may not know, we may never know why she's nonverbal, why she has these developmental delays, like we may never know. We will keep searching and asking and praying, but I feel like at least I can speak for myself that I've accepted that I may never know and, that we may find out tomorrow and we may never find out, ever ever know in our lifetime.

Deonna:

Well, and do you feel like, do you feel like people in your circles, like it bothers them more than you, that you don't have the answers. Because that's something I've experienced, like Yeah, for for sure. I have so many people constantly being like, but what happened? And I know, I'm like, I, you know, like we can speculate, like mm-hmm. What, what caused a child to fall off a couch and be paralyzed? Like, I mean, that's just, you know. Yeah. But it bothers more people. I, I feel like it bothers people more than it bothers me. So I, I think it.. Cause I've accepted it. 

Rhandyl:

That's the thing. I think that we live with it every day and we, it, it's our reality. Yeah. And so I feel like it does bother people more. Yeah. In general, then it does us. 

Deonna:

Because they want a reason.

Rhandyl:

Yeah. And so do we, but we've, we live it and it's our reality and we've accepted it. Yeah, for sure. I do feel like it's harder for outsiders to accept or understand it than it is for us after a while, you know.

Deonna: 

They wanna like put them in a neatly wrapped box and know. Mm-hmm. ..and it's just reality. That's not how disability reality even really works very often. So, no, for sure. 

Rhandyl:

Kind of, and I, I've said this similarly in previous episodes, but I think as Christians when bad things happen, I feel like one of two things can happen. You can either grow in your faith or lose your faith in a way. Yeah, and it's just up to us how we decide to react and learn from certain situations. Right. And so we kind of talked about this, that God can take that brokenness and help you use it to share His light. But it's our choice to do that. So it's our choice, but it is a lot of work. It is a mindset that we have to wake up with every day. It is a, it, it is not something that we could ever, ever do alone. No. Yeah. Um, It's, it takes a village and,  for both of us, God is part of that village. So yeah. 

Deonna:

Yeah, but sometimes it's not, sometimes not as big of a part of it as we should allow Him to be. Exactly. If it's me, like, or rely on everybody else and then I'm like, oh yeah, God. Mm-hmm. He's helping me. 

Rhandyl

Yeah. So we'd asked a few people about their opinion or their belief on, “everything happens for a reason.” And, and one of them is my uncle Chad Bird, he’s also a bible scholar and author, public speaker. He also has a podcast um, with 1517. But he recently, last year, lost his son, my first cousin, Luke to a very tragic freak accident. He was hiking and slipped and fell off of a waterfall. And so I knew that he..

Deonna:

He's no stranger would be to sadness and loss. 

Rhandyl:

No. So he said “saying to someone that everything happens for a reason is like saying to a person lost at sea, there’s fresh water somewhere. Okay, so what? How does that help me? How am I supposed to find the water? The reason? It's something people say that means nothing. It gives nothing, and usually only makes the speaker feel better because after all, they've offered comfort. So suffering is a mystery.” Yeah. He says “suffering is a mystery that we can't solve and I suspect if God were ever to try to explain any of it to us, it would sound like quantum physics to a four year old.” Which is, I mean, I can totally relate to that and understand that. Oh yeah. Um, So he says, “rather than looking for reasons, I simply look to where God is for me, no matter what in Christ. That does not attempt to answer why shit happens, but where God is for me when shit does happen.” Mm-hmm. And so I loved that. 

Deonna:

Yeah, I do too. And I do think, like what I was saying earlier, trying to understand why God's doing something is just not something our brains can handle, it’s just, and it never will. But yeah. I love that quote. He's great. 

So we talked to some other parents who are a part of our Raising Disabled parents group. We asked them questions before we do these podcasts so that we can have a bigger scope of what everybody's experiences are. But, this first girl we talked to was Alex, and we just asked them, you know, “Do you believe everything happened for a reason?” That's all we asked them. 

And Alex said, and all these parents have disabled children, which I think I just said, but I, Alex said, “No! I don’t. I feel like only people that haven't had hardships say that to those going through X, Y, and Z” you know, like they're. Found out their kids disabled or whatever “because they just don't know what else to say.” And this made me laugh when she said this because it's so true. She said, “you never hear amazing things happening and someone responding—Everything happens for a reason.” Like exactly like when good stuff happens. No one says that. Nobody like no ever. Nope. It's like only the, only the bad stuff happens for a reason.The good stuff's totally random, but Yeah. 

But it's true. I mean, I had never heard anyone say that to me in my life. Right. And except for the last three years, so. Mm-hmm. You know, but, I do agree with what she's saying. I think, and it's what Chad was saying too. Mm-hmm. You know, it makes the speaker feel better because they have offered some comfort.

And we do, like, I applaud when someone tries, like we were saying, but Right. You just have to take captive every word because you, you have to think how will this come across to somebody? Is this gonna offend them or Yeah. You know? 

Rhandyl:

Exactly. Yeah. Another mom, Ruby, she says that she's “wrestled with this for many years and her disabled daughter is getting older and is asking the why questions herself.” She said they have a lot of conversations about… That's hard. Yeah. She said that they “have a lot of conversation about why things like pain are in this world and why kids have to be sick or hurt, etc. Most of it is just helping her process her feelings of why she has to be so different, but also try to direct back to her, Romans 8: 28” that you mentioned earlier “that no matter what happens or what she's going through, that God has a purpose for her life.” 

And, I can only imagine how hard that is. I don't know if Remi will ever ask me the why questions, but I do know that yeah, my son, who is not even two yet is going to start asking me the why questions about his big sister…Yeah…in the next few years. And I honestly, I dread that because. How do you.. it's gonna be like explaining, like Chad said, quantum physics to a four year old. I mean, how, yeah. I don't even know why so how am I supposed to explain that to her little brother? But you know, We'll get through that when, when that time comes. But yeah, it’s..

Deonna:

That's really hard. I was talking to somebody today who said, the other sibling that's not disabled was saying, you know, when is this younger sibling gonna start talking and having conversations and it's just, I mean, even explaining it to the sibling is so hard. Mm-hmm. And, and usually they're the ones with the bigger questions cuz they're witnessing some of that from the outside. Yeah. And you know, they're seeing how people react to their siblings and stuff, so, Ugh. I know that's hard.

And I relate to Ruby too because my daughter's asking me, Why, how could God let this happen to me? Why did this happen? And it's just like, I don't have the answers to that. And I don't, I don't know. I, I don't know if I'll ever understand on earth how kids can go through what our kids go through and it's just, it's, I can't explain it and it's, and that's okay. That’s what we’re trying to say, yeah. That's what we're, yeah. Yeah, it's the point.

And I talked to another girl named Grace and she said that she does not agree with the whole, “everything happens for a reason.” She said, “I think hard and unexpected things are gonna happen on this broken earth. However, I do think there can be meaning and growth and a deeper intelligence that emerges from these hard and unexpected things.” But she really does hate that “everything happens for a reason” quote. And she said, “I just can't imagine anyone saying that directly to my daughter. And they may at some point,” which stinks, you know? And she said, it really irks me to be honest, and it does..

I like what she said because she, when she said there can be meaning and growth in this deeper intelligence. And before, I mean, just being completely honest, before this happened to us, which was in 2020. I wasn't this massive advocate for this disabled community. I, oh, no. And I, I mean, I had, I have MS. Like I know mm-hmm. That, that's in my future. So why wouldn't I be, I mean, what selfish world was I living in? But, you know, I think people don't care until they're forced to care a lot of the times. Yeah. 

Rhandyl and Deonna:

Yeah. I, it wasn't even that I didn't, I just was really not even aware..me either..and that's part of the reason that we are doing this podcast is, you know, to bring awareness to everyone, not just the disabled community. Yeah, I just, because I was honestly I think it was mostly just unawareness, honestly, and I can't say that if I was aware that I wouldn’t… Yeah. What you can do? You know, you know, I had no idea what, yeah. Awareness of what we could do to help. Help. Like what you could have been doing. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Or how to react in situations. 

Deonna:

I just thought, this isn't me. So, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I don't need to be involved in this and, and really advocating for any group is like that. You don't have to be a part of that group to love them and to advocate for them to be treated with respect. So, I mean, exactly. But, but yeah, I just was living my own life and not caring and so I do, I know what she's saying because, and you get this intelligence about like what to do or not do or, and now the way I even try to encourage people after what happened with Allie, or even like after the loss of my brother, I know what to say to someone now…who’s lost their person because mm-hmm. That's what happened to me. And so I didn't know what to say before and I probably said stupid stuff like this. And so, you know, it's, that's, yeah. I, I do think there's good that comes from that. 

Rhandyl:

Oh, for sure. And it's kind of like what I do for a living every day. Most of my working day, I'm in and out of family's homes that are, yeah. You know, they have children with disabilities. Oh, a lot of them. Oh yeah. They've got bad stuff going on.. And some of them have been living this life longer than I have, or some of them are brand new to it, and I feel like Right. Um, I feel like as a therapist myself, I can just, I'm able to empathize with these families and Oh yeah. And it's just, yeah, so..that could be a reason right there, you know, this, it's, it was a career shift for me. this whole, whole I know. Like why you went into that job. Yeah. 

So I mean, it's one of those things, but it definitely does make you, like, after you go through situations like this, it does make you think about what you should and shouldn't say to families going through similar situations that we.. Yeah. ..went through. 

So one of another mom on our parent group, Jana, we’ve known each other… I met her right after we got Remi home and started all the, the home health stuff. But she said..fiasco. No.Yeah, for real. Jana says that “God says he'll work all things for our good. Not happy clapping good, but real good. The nearness of God,” and she said she put in quotes like (Psalms 73), “the glory of God, the good of those that love Him.” And “that includes the hard, broken, painful, and sad things too. It's not wasted.” 

And I love that. I just, I love that it's not wasted. Me too. That is, yeah. She just, I mean, she kind of sums it up, whether we like what's happening to us or not and whether it's, it's not happy clappy good, like she said, the real good. Yeah. So we may not know that until..

Deonna:

I call it cupcakes and rainbows. Yeah. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows, but..

Rhandyl:

for sure not, but it's not wasted because, yeah, no, we can use it for good. So..

Deonna and Rhandyl:

Yeah. If we choose to. and that's the thing that's, that's the hard part I think, sometimes is having to wake up every day and decide you're gonna do that? Consciously choosing. Mm-hmm.  Yeah. Yeah. And not, that's a lot of pressure day's not like that. And every day's not like that. Oh, no. I'm mean, let’s be real. I’m a mess half the time.Yeah, no, a hundred percent. I'm very un-inspirational quite a bit of the time.

Deonna:

But yeah, so, just to kind of wrap up, even if we don't understand why something's happening, it doesn't mean that God doesn't have this plan and purpose for our kids' lives and for our lives. And like we said, it is a lot of work. It's not gonna just happen. And that's, that's hard. And you don't have to become this, inspirational thing overnight. It's, and you really don't ever have to be, but, the thing that I mean, people think we're inspirational, whether we are or not, but we kind of wanted at the end of all these, you know, dumb things, people say segments to give you an idea of what to say instead. 

So, instead of saying “everything happens for a reason,” even if you truly believe that most people are not going to love that you are saying that when their whole world is coming crashing down, it's just not appropriate. And, I think other good comments could be things kind of like, you don't have to attempt to answer why something is happening. I'm here for you. It's okay to not know why this is happening because, yeah. Or, or you know, or, We may never know why things happen here on earth, and that's okay. And I think that when you're trying to encourage somebody, if you're being genuine and, and you know, we can, we can tell who's being genuine and who's just making weird small talk with us to try to make themselves feel better. But and I know that sounds harsh, but it's just, we can tell. 

But I think that if you're actually trying to encourage somebody, you just need to help them accept that it's okay to not get it and understand, because we're trying to figure out what, what's the reason why is my kid, what's going on? Like why is this happening? So when someone tells us there is a reason, then we're like, oh shoot, I'm gonna have to figure this out now because that person said,, and so I think it's good. 

Rhandyl and Deonna:

Yeah. Or you go back to the guilt thing, like, oh, like, yeah. Oh, that was why. Yeah, that's why it, yeah. I'm a terrible person.

Deonna:

But yeah, I do think if you're trying to encourage people, just let them know it's okay to not know and.. Exactly. Like there's a lot of things we aren't gonna understand.

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and if you don't have anything to say, I mean, I. Just don't say anything and be the person to listen and be the person to, yeah. Let them just vent to you don't have to, right. You know, don't have to say anything or encourage them because if you don’t honestly have anything that you feel like is going to make them feel better in their situation at that moment, like then, then just don't, yeah, because you never know, words can be so triggering to people.

Deonna:

Oh, oh yeah. I mean, when we, we have some not fun ideas for episodes, but we have so many things that people have said to us and some are like this, like they're not really trying to say anything weird. Now we have had people actually say hurtful things to us and that I don't understand that, but most of the time it is, it's people who mean well, but totally, totally. 

But you know, here to wrap up, when you have something like this happen, you feel broken, and we can take that brokenness and God can turn that into something beautiful for you. And I think of our lives as a stained glass window. I love stained glass. It's in my house, like in some different spots from my friend Brielle, who's an artist, but We have..

Rhandyl:

I just got a stain glass tattoo.

Deonna:

Oh yeah, you did! Yeah. Mm-hmm. No, I love the stained glass because, you know, we have so many broken pieces and over time they can be beautiful and we can shine if, if we put in that work and allow them to be that way. But yeah, it, it doesn't happen overnight and, and it happens with encouragement and from people who are honestly trying to be that for us. So, we hope these episodes are gonna be good because you can kind of learn what maybe not to say and what to say in the future. And if you're a parent of a disabled child, please let us know if there's phrases that you aren't a big fan of and we can use those for ideas for future episodes. So yeah. Thank you guys so much for listening today, and we will see you next time.