Deonna:

 Hey, y'all. We're back with part two for Dumb Things People Say, and if you missed part one, that was episode eight. And we were talking about the phrase, “everything happens for a reason.” But today we're going to talk about the phrase, “you're so strong.”

And if you're a parent of a disabled kid or have gone through some sort of trauma or grief, you have probably heard this a million times. It's definitely one of those phrases that is polarizing, and some disability parents think that this phrase is really annoying, and then others are okay with it, or even like that, so we asked other parents about this phrase on Facebook and Instagram. And so you guys can follow us there if you want to be a part of that conversation, and we always want this podcast to be this open ended dialogue with other parents because we know our experiences aren't the only ones. But we're so thankful for all the parents who participated. We got a lot of really good comments this time. 

And we basically asked them, if you've ever been told, if you have a disabled child, have you ever been told you're so strong? How does that make you feel? Do you think you're stronger than other parents who are just raising typical kids? And do you look at it as a compliment or do you just find it annoying?

And so we're just going to jump right into these comments. We're basically going to talk about everything that the parents said, and then we're just going to kind of chat about that. So Rhandyl's going to start us off with all the moms and dads who are not big fans of this phrase.

Rhandyl:

Yes, so, like Deonna said, it was kind of split some people hate it, some people like it. So, I'm going to read some quotes from people that dislike this phrase, they hate it 

So, Morgan and Kendra they commented that they take it as like a pity compliment or like a person is saying that they feel sorry for them. And I, I totally can relate to that in some instances. 

And and this other mom, Stephanie, she says it makes her feel like people think disability is a bad thing, as if loving our disabled kids is harder than loving a non disabled child.

And Holly said that people may as well be saying, “thank God, I don't have to be that strong.” Uh, It's not a choice that we have, you know, I totally, I thought that was funny not funny, but totally relatable. We're put, yeah, and she said that we were put in these heart wrenching situations and we're forced to operate on high stress. So. 

Deonna:

I related to that one a lot because I do feel that way when someone tells me that I'm strong, all I hear is, that comment, thank goodness I don't have to be that strong. Like how hard is your life? Like it sounds terrible.  That's how I hear that word. 

Rhandyl:

It's like a reverse compliment. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. And this girl, Megan, I liked her comment. She said, it's strangely annoying, I also feel like the comment is most often said when someone is uncomfortable with a personal story about your life that you just told them. And so they talk about your strengths so they don't have to talk about the grief or trauma of your child.

And when I read this, I was like, oh my gosh, because I recently, the most recent time that this phrase was told to me was, me and my friend, we were out for a girls night and we ended up running into some of her acquaintances that she didn't even really know that well. We ended up being at the same place and chit-chatting with them for a little bit and somehow in the conversation, my friend mentioned something about my daughter and then they kind of asked a little bit more. And so I told them a very, you know, just short summary about Remi and this girl was 

Deonna:

We call it the elevator pitch of your child's diagnosis. 

Rhandyl:

It's like, you either get this or we're going to be here a while. So yeah. But she..

Deonna:

The two sentence story. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah and as we were kind of in the middle of talking about Remi, she was like, I just want to tell you you're so strong. And I kind of, you know, I think I like visually cringed, because this person didn't know me from Adam. Like, didn't even know anything about… we hadn't even talked for more than five minutes and she's telling me  I just want to let you know that you are so strong and I definitely visibly cringe and I was like, well, yeah and I didn't even get anything out of my mouth, but she put her hand in front of my face and said, stop, let me give you a compliment. Just take , the compliment. And it, it flew all over me. Yeah, it was very strange. I didn't. Yeah, like, I didn't know this person from Adam. She didn't know me. And she's sitting there telling me how strong that I am. And she obviously knew that I was going to not take it as a compliment. And she was like, yeah, stop, just take the compliment. So it was very I was like, man. So this comment definitely hit a trigger for me, for sure. 

Deonna:

Um. Well, we just talked about this a minute ago before we started recording, but we don't take compliments very well, and I, I don't really know a lot of people that do. It makes you feel so uncomfortable, even when it's true, it's still just like… I don't know, to me it's cringy when someone's giving me a compliment. I don't know why that is, but it's just the way it is. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, I feel like that too. And I heard something one time, I had read a quote or I'd heard it that if you can't take a compliment, that means that , you have low self esteem. I don't really believe that. But I'm, I don't know if, you know, I think it depends on the compliment. Like if someone, you know, is complimenting you on something that you're wearing. Or you're, you know, just smile and say thank you. I think that's where that was coming from.

So, another thing that we had discussed was that it's different taking a compliment from someone that you don't know, that you just met, versus someone that knew you for, that's known you your whole life, or at least before you were raising disabled, or, Is currently like, they know your daily situation. I feel like if someone compliments me on my strength that knows me as well as that, I, I definitely take it a lot differently than, than a random stranger telling me that because it's different, because I think they're just dodging the situation. They want to talk about your strengths so they don't have to talk about the grief or trauma. Oh, yeah. And so, I definitely think it depends on. 

Deonna:

Well, and when someone gives you, when someone gives you a compliment, like they're like, oh, I like your shoes, I can be like, oh, thank you and that's the end of it. But when someone's telling you you're strong, I feel like you have to say, oh, no, I'm not. Or, you know, you have to kind of like put yourself down a little bit. Because if you said, yeah, I know I'm strong, I'm a very strong person, they would be like, oh my gosh, she’s full of herself. Even though we might view ourselves as very strong. We can't reply that way. So it's just kind of awkward. And you just say thank you, but you don't know what to say.

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and Ruby, she says, and we like this quote a lot. She says - it sets a level of expectation and pressure (unintentionally) that most days I fall short of. I think it's one of those sayings people lean on when they don't know what else to say or how to help. And it kind of goes hand in hand with the, I don't know how you do it, or I could never. And this is so true. When someone tells you this, you kind of, it puts this, this pressure on you that you need to show others that you're strong, or you don't need to show your weaknesses I kind of feel like it's a, yeah, it definitely gives you..

Deonna:

I feel like for, I feel like for me, I always have to act totally unfazed by all of this, like, it's just my normal everyday life, and people are always telling me that this is my new normal, but they have no idea how abnormal my life is compared to everybody else. But I really felt this one because when someone's telling me that I'm strong, and like she said, it was unintentional, but when someone's telling me I'm strong, I view that as them saying, you need to be strong. And so I never fall apart in front of people. I never get upset. I never show if I'm stressed out, I just act fine all the time because I don't want to let everybody down because everybody has built up this view of me. And I'm sure you and a lot of other people, you know? 

Rhandyl:

It’s a lot of pressure. I mean, it's too much pressure and I don’t…People unintentionally obviously do that, but it's like, I can't be everyone's leaning post, like I'm gonna fall. I mean, I'm human, so yeah, it's definitely, it puts a weird spin on things for sure.

Deonna:

Well, and I feel like maybe today we need to give everybody permission- If you live the same life as us, it's okay to cry in front of people. It's okay to fall apart. We don't have to be this image that people have decided that we are.

So when we talk about what are some reasons you hate it? Is it just kind of what we've already talked about? Or is there something else that you aren't a big fan of? 

Rhandyl:

Well, for me, when someone tells me how strong I am in reference to being a Disability parent. I know that they mean it as a compliment for sure, but the first thing that pops into my mind is usually, I'm just doing what any genuine human being would do in my situation. It's not that I don't think that I'm strong, because I'm definitely a, I'm strong willed, stubborn, hard headed. I mean, that's all in my nature. It always has been. 

But I'm not strong because my daughter's disabled. Since becoming Remi's mom, I mean, at times I've been my weakest, my most vulnerable version of myself, like in ways that I never thought that I was capable of being. And so, Yeah, it takes work to climb out of that pit of self pity and helplessness, but, you know, I didn't do that by myself. No. God threw me a rope. So, I mean, it's basically, I don't know, it's not an implication that I'm strong that's triggering, but it's the context of my strength due to me raising disabled. So, yeah, it’s just…

Deonna:

Well, and it's like what we were talking about. This is a phrase that you say to someone, and I've had this happen to me, where somebody In my family or my friends or somebody at church who's gotten to know me, they'll just say, I really  look up to you because of your strength of how you're handling this difficult hand that you've been dealt in many different aspects, not just the disabled thing, because I've lost a brother, I have a disease, like all these fun, fun things about my life. 

But, when I hear that from someone I know and have a relationship with, it does mean something to me. But when I hear it from some random at the grocery store or like what you were talking about earlier. It's weird. I like, that's where I think we're kind of trying to talk about that today is, you know, don't say that to just anybody you see, because you actually don't know if they're strong or not, but you can assume that we are because we have a disabled kid and you're probably going to be right, but yeah.

Oh man. So we talked to some other parents who actually either don't mind the phrase or they like it when they're told this. And so I'm gonna read some of these. 

This girl Jenna gave us a really good quote. So I'm gonna read the whole thing. She said she doesn't think it's annoying. I think to other parents in their view, I am strong. I see things and do things that they can't imagine doing. They quite possibly can’t bring themselves to even think about doing the things we have to do and see, the questions we have to face, the anticipatory grief we live with every day. Sometimes they don't want to think about these things, and I feel like a stronger mom than I used to be, I'm a stronger fighter, a bolder advocate, things that once made me want to turn my eyes away, don't make me flinch anymore. And she said, do I want to be this strong? Do I want to have to be this strong? No, I wish sometimes I could go back to my old self, not worrying about every little sniffle, but I also know I was made to be this mom for this kid, and it makes me better, a better mom, better teacher, (because she homeschools) a better friend, and just more grateful for every moment.

And I, I definitely relate to this comment a lot. It's kind of funny. I relate to some of the The people that hate it. I relate to the people that like it. I don't know. I'm kind of in the middle, but I liked the part where she was saying like these other moms and dads see me and my husband or you and your husband doing these things that they can't even imagine doing.

Like when I talk about some of the things we've been through, like doing CPR on her or the crazy routines we have to go through every day, it blows their mind what a parent of a disabled kid would be going through. And, and they see us and they understand, okay, I don't understand their life or anything, but I do understand that there's a level of strength that they have at this point that I may not have right now and it's not saying they couldn't have that strength if they ever needed it, but at that moment, they just are like, oh, there's no way I could do this. But what did you think about this one? 

Rhandyl:

I feel, I honestly feel the same exact way that.. I feel like parents that are saying this to me they genuinely can't imagine and if they try to empathize with our situation it's, it's unfathomable. So, yeah, and I do agree with her on that we're just more grateful for every moment, for sure. We've talked about that a lot. Oh, yeah. A hundred percent agree. So yeah, I can totally relate to this and I get where she's coming from for sure. 

Deonna:

Well, I don't know if you ever do this, but. Sometimes I look at old photos of myself and I'll see this girl and I just am like, who is that girl? I, I can't even relate to the old me because I used to get really stressed out. Me and my mom have joked about this, like the dumb stuff I would get all worked up over. And now I'm just like, yeah, nothing matters and I don't care. But I mean, it was funny. I look at those old photos and it takes me back to the old me. And I think that girl couldn't have done this, but this girl can, you know, I can do this now, but it was a lot of pain  in the middle of that.

Rhandyl:

It's funny you say that, because I was just today looking back at my Timehop, and then also on Facebook, it'll show you when you changed a profile picture and yeah, seven years ago today, I changed my profile picture to me doing skin to skin with Remi with her ET tube, and I was like..

Deonna:

All her stuff. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and I have this cute blanket over us, and like, I'm smiling, and I'm looking at that person, and I'm like, you just wait. At that point, you know, they're still telling us, oh, you know, this is only going to be like, she's only going to be in the hospital until her due date, you know? Yeah. And so I just look back at that picture and I'm like, oh, bless your little heart. 

Deonna:

I know. Oh, there's been so many photos I've looked at when my daughter first got paralyzed and I'm just like, how dumb you were. You thought it was all going to work out and here we are, It's so much harder than you could have ever imagined. But yeah, there's a lot of pain in becoming as strong as us parents of disabled kids have become. 

But, so we talked to this other mom named Effie, and she said, you bet I'm strong, which made me laugh because I feel that way too. But she said, most people don't understand it and that's okay. She knows she's strong and how hard it can be, and she says it's important to have other people in your life that get it. And some things I kind of took away from this is, she knows she's strong. Now, do we walk around professing that to everybody? No, but we know it. We know inside, even if it makes us feel uncomfortable for someone to tell us that, we know that that's true about ourselves. Yeah. She realizes something that I kind of hadn't really thought about until she said this, but she said, most people don't understand and that's okay.

And that's something I'm just starting to realize is not everyone has to understand my life. It doesn't matter. I, you know, like it's okay for most of the world to not get it. It's not the end of the world. And, and most don't, and it's not their fault, so you can't be upset with them. And I spent a long time being upset with people because they didn't understand my life and how hard it was, and that's not fair to anybody.

But she also talked about having people in your life that get it and I'm not a hundred percent sure what she means by this, but what I kind of took from it, like we have our family members and our friends who know our life and they know what we have to do and they help us sometimes and stuff. You know, like me and Rhandyl being friends, we both do very similar routines every day. We understand each other's life. She can complain to me, I can complain to her, and we're just like, yeah, that stinks.

Rhandyl:

Yeah, we can both relate. Yeah. I mean, no one else. I mean, we have a small group of us me and Deonna and two other girls, we have a group chat. We, we've gone out. We tried to go out this week; that fell apart.

Deonna:

This week didn't happen. The odds of us four getting together is impossible, practically. 

Rhandyl

Yeah, we all have similar, like all of our kiddos have trachs and..

Deonna:

Pretty severe disabilities. 

Rhandyl:

Yes, and we all have nursing staff. And so we definitely all have a lot of things in common that we, we all just get together and, and, It's kind of like we, we get together and we, it's like we finally have someone that gets it. So we'd all just kind of dump all of our complaints and our stresses but it's a, I feel like  it's kind of a relieving, therapeutic type situation because, you know, we can just. And even if it's not when we're together, we just like, one of us will randomly text, you know, like, you know, basically I've had a shitty day, you know, this is what's happened and yeah. 

Deonna:

And we can all be angry together or happy together..

Rhandyl:

You don't have to get the, Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry, honey. Like, you know, what's your mom or grandma's going to tell you? Like, yeah, you're going to get the raw, like, I get it. But it's gonna be alright, like, chin up.

Deonna:

Oh yeah, the, one of the girls in our group was upset about something a few weeks ago, and therefore; I was upset for the rest of the day about the thing that happened to her because I had had a similar thing happen to us, and so, Yeah. The last time we were together, we're sitting in a table at a restaurant talking about mucus, like loud. And I just thought everybody around us was probably like, can I please get moved? Because this is nasty, but yeah, that was, that was fun. That was definitely a highlight of the night for me, but no, it is good to have some friends. And if you don't have anyone that lives in your town or that, you know, personally. Who is going through what you're going through. That's why we're doing this. That's why we're on Instagram is to try to help people feel like they're not the only ones living this life. And I mean, I'm fairly new to this, but it's just been nice having some sort of community where, you know, people are gonna kind of have your back and stuff. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, for sure. 

Deonna:

So another girl Was Gracelyn is Brave, well, that was her account- but she was saying we're strong even when we're exhausted and don't feel strong at all. She says we have to keep going because our kids life depends on it. And when I read that it is true because there's been moments where I was thinking, I, I can't go on, I am so tired and so sad or so whatever, stressed and you just think you can't go on and then the strength gets like, you know, you pull it from somewhere and we're going to talk about this at the end, but we have pulled strength from just thin air, it feels like at some points, right?

And we don't have a choice. It's, it's not like our kids sleep in on the weekends or, I mean, I know some disabled kids do, I'm not saying like nobody does, like my child cannot, we can't sleep in on the weekends. We can't do these like chill things. We have, we got things we got to do all the things. So, yeah, I mean, we're, we're tired all the time, and I don't know where this, I mean, I know where my strength comes from, but like, I don't know sometimes, it just comes out of me, and it shouldn't, I should be like laying face down on the ground, and somehow, I still go on, and so, I appreciated that comment too.

Another girl named Brianna said, I think any parent that loves their kid would do the same thing that we're doing. And Rhandyl kind of already said that. But it, it's true. 

Rhandyl:

That's how I feel. Yeah. I mean, that's usually my response to most people when they tell me that I'm so strong. Is that, I mean, any genuine human or any parent hat was going through the situation would do the same thing, but yeah. 

Deonna:

And parents who say this to us, they would do the same things. They would. Yes. They don't think they can do it because they don't feel as strong as us, but push comes to shove-they would do the same stuff, and they would be just as strong. They can do it, but I mean, yeah, I, I remember..

Rhandyl:

It wasn't a fun journey getting to be this strong.

Deonna:

Well, like I so a few months before Allie was paralyzed an acquaintance of mine who now has become become a friend. She, her daughter was paralyzed just a few months before Allie. So I'm watching their family go through one of the most traumatic, horrible experiences on this planet. And then, I just thought, how are they even doing this? I just don't understand. And then it happens to me, and I called her a few days after it happened, and it was like, I've watched you go through this thing, and now I'm having to go through this thing, and I can't do this. I'm not ready for this, and she made me realize, cause she was just a little step ahead of me, barely, but she was just like, it's gonna be okay, but... You know, that was, I, I just, I remember feeling very not ready for what I was about to go through. 

Rhandyl:

Wow, I mean, that's a pretty, I haven't heard that story, and I feel like that's such a.. one of those God things, like he knew you needed to know that.

Deonna:

Oh yeah, that we knew each other. Yeah, well, and yeah, no, that was a crazy and now we're friends and we met for coffee this week and we sat there and talked about all the challenges that come along with this and our kids and how hard it is on our kids because both of our daughters are cognitively exactly the same as before the accident. So they know all the before and after, they understand everything. And so that is difficult too. For them! They’re strong too.

Rhandyl:

Yeah, and I'm sure that it's even more awkward whenever people, I'm sure they say it to you in front of Allie, like, you're so strong, like, I don't know how you do this, like, right in front of Allie. It's like, what do you even say, like?

Deonna:

I mean, that, that is kind of awkward when people say certain things in front of her because she's listening, she hears, and if they say something really, really weird, I'm not a big fan, but usually it's okay for the most part. But I don't love it when people say certain things like, you're so strong to me in front of her, because then it makes her feel like she's guilty and then it was her fault. She said on many occasions, this is all my fault , and obviously we have told her over and over, it is not your fault that this happened to you. But you have to be very careful saying certain things to parents because the kids could be listening, and whether they are verbal and can tell you what they heard or not, you have to be careful because they do hold guilt and they hold thoughts that you could never imagine them holding. So yeah, that's that's a whole other story..

Yeah and then our last quote that was saying that they like it is Amber, and I really appreciated what she said, because she said it depends on the context and who it's coming from, which we've kind of already talked about, but we can tell when it's filler and when it's a genuine statement and when it's a genuine compliment, it encourages her and it reminds her that she is strong, and even when she doesn't feel it, like she said, Jesus wept too. I mean, you don't have to have it together all the time like that. 

And she also said, I don't think I'm any stronger than other parents. Raising disabled kids takes grit and this just different kind of strength. And it's developing and working a muscle that you didn't know you would need. And that's kind of what we were just talking about is..you may not feel strong enough at the beginning of a diagnosis or an injury or whatever, but you'll get there and you do have to develop a really like thick skin, like tough skin, you have to let stuff roll off. I mean, it totally changes your personality and even people who knew me before and after, like I'm way meaner, I'm way more honest and just like things like that. Like I'm not as scared to hurt everybody's feelings as I was. And I don't love all the new parts of me, but it's what I have to become to survive this because it it's hard. So yeah, you know, what do you think about her comment? 

Rhandyl:

Oh, man, I feel like she took the words right out of my mouth, honestly. I love the the last part where she said It's a developing and working muscle that you didn't know you need. Just because of my field of work, I like nerded out on that. Like but I love like how just how she just described it like that because you know, I think of strength, you know as more of a physical type thing, honestly. And so, when she put it in this perspective, I'm like that's exactly kind of how I feel about it, but I'd never had thought of it in that aspect.

Deonna:

Yeah, me neither. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, I feel all these things. It's just exactly what she said. You can just tell when it's, when it's genuine and when it's not.  

Deonna:

And I, I do think people try to interact with us more than just the average parents and families because they feel like, oh, that person's different. I need to like, interact with them. 

Rhandyl:

We need to let them know we see them. 

Deonna:

Yeah. We're like, okay.

Rhandyl:

Yes, it's crazy how often people go out of the way and it's so much different from the way that I ever went about seeing people in public before this. It's just. I, I would have never expected just from the way that I was, and the way that I was told, like, you know, growing up, if someone was different or disabled, like, don't look their way, like, you know, it's just so surprising. Yes, it's just so surprising to me how…And I think it's awesome too, I feel like there is a lot more awareness out there, and people are genuinely wanting to make sure that we are seen. But it's like you said, in one of our other episodes, you already feel like you're in a fishbowl all the time because you know, us, we don't have really any personal space at home either. And so then when we're out in public, it's just so weird like..

Deonna:

Yeah, we’re being watched 24/7. 

Rhandyl:

We are. But it’s, I mean, we appreciate that, but even though we've been doing this for seven years now, it's like, okay, this random person in the parking lot told me how strong I am today.  It's just a scenario that I never thought would happen, and it happens weekly. Like, it's so strange. 

Deonna:

I really do think part of the reason, because I was gonna ask you , do you actually think you're stronger than other parents? Because I've thought about this before, and sometimes I actually do think that. Because, and it's not because I was before, it's that I am now in some ways, but you never know what somebody's dealing with, but you know what I’m saying?

Rhandyl:

I think for me, it's the word. I don't, I don't think I'm stronger, but I think that we're different. Yeah. It's like not strong versus weak. 

Deonna:

We've been through totally different things. 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, it's not strong versus weak in my, my mind. I see it as, it's just, it's just different. And yeah, we're going to parent different. We are going to be a lot more blunt and stupid things we don't care about. So, I don't necessarily think I'm stronger than other parents that, that aren't raising disabled, but..

Deonna:

We might be physically stronger. We're lifting 60 pound kids who are not helping us at all. Yeah. I definitely am physically way stronger than I was before. Oh my gosh. I was such a weakling before this.

I think my thing is like, I don't know what to say back and when I don't know what to say back to somebody, that's when I get weird is because.. Oh yeah. I just, I have no idea what to say to these comments, but we, we, I don't even know what I do say. I get told this all the time. I just say like, okay…

Rhandyl:

I've just started saying, yeah, I've just started saying like what I said earlier, I'm just doing what any genuine human being would do in my situation, you know. And then some people are like, yeah, you're right. And then some people are like, shut up and just let me give you a compliment.

Deonna:

They stick their hands in your face. 

Um so we kind of we wanted to end this with talking about…So me and Rhandyl both acknowledge that our strength does come from, I mean, it comes from ourselves. I think there is a strength you can pull from yourself and be like, I can do this. Like I tell myself constantly, I can do this. I have to do this. 

I liked a quote from Jenny, who is one of the other parents, and she said she has two disabled kids and one who actually passed away, and I'm not sure if that was a disabled child that passed away or if that was like a separate, you know, situation, but she said she's been told many times how strong she is, and she knows she actually is very weak on her own, basically, and that without God and His strength, she wouldn't be able to make it.

And I do feel that way about myself. I know you do too. Like, I, I pull this strength from, like I said, it feels like it's from out of thin air. I don't know where it's coming from, but I do know where it's coming from. 

Rhandyl:

It's that lifesaver thrown into the water. Yeah. 

Deonna:

Oh, yeah, totally and we talked about some verses or I was going to share a few verses that I read a lot and Rhandyl reads too, but Psalms 46:1, (and we'll put these in the show notes) but it just says, God is our refuge and strength and ever present help in trouble.

And I love this one because the idea that He's this refuge, He's this place that you can go when you're having a really hard time. We had these crazy storms last night and I was so glad I had this house that I could be inside of and it protected me. And I like this idea that God's protecting us from these difficult things that we're going to go through, or are going through, or even have gone through. And He gives us this strength, and it's this ever present strength. Like God's strength never ever runs out, it’s always there. Me and Rhandyl have both had many many nights. You, this week. You just feel like there's no way you are gonna make it through X, Y, and Z, whatever it is. And it's so nice thinking that God is there at 2 a.m. He's there at 10 in the morning, he's there. It doesn't matter. And so what do you take away from this? 

Rhandyl:

Yeah. I see it as like a promise that is made to us that, you know, He's our protector. He's always there whenever we need Him, we just have to and sometimes we don't have to reach out, you know, we don't have, we don't even cry out. We're just so, so deep and in this dark place and then, like you said, you don't know where you mustered up the strength, but it's God giving you that, giving it to you. That EpiPen or whatever you want to call it, I mean, because sometimes literally that's what it feels like. I mean, I've never actually had an EpiPen, but I would imagine it's similar because before all of this, I, You, you hear the phrase bone tired and  before that I didn't have any idea what that meant. Yeah, no reference. Yeah, bone tired is a real thing if you've never been that tired. But. 

Deonna:

We say dead dog tired. 

Rhandyl:

Dead dog tired. 

Deonna:

Yeah, we’re from the South, so we're going to say some weird things. 

No, it's, it's definitely true. Like, He's always there and it never runs out. And that just makes me feel so good. Cause it says right there, we're going to have trouble. It's not like everything's going to be hunky dory all the time, but.. 

And then this is probably one of the most famous verses in the entire Bible, but Philippians 4: 13, where it says, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. And I knew that phrase, or I knew that verse before all of this. And I, I mean, I believed it, I guess, and then this happened and it just made me realize-oh, there's so much I've been through that, If I hadn't had Him, I just don't know. I, I don't know what I could have done. I don't know where that would have come from. I, because I don't know if it could have came from me, you know? 

Rhandyl:

Yeah, no, I, that's exactly how I feel. It's like, yeah, if I didn't have my faith, growing up the way that I was raised and, and didn't have Jesus in my life, I can't even honestly imagine going through and seeing the things that I've seen, experiencing the things that I've seen over the last seven years. I think I'd be in a funny farm. Honestly. I just yeah,

Deonna:

I think I would too. I I feel like that even though I do have Him sometimes, so…

Rhandyl:

Same. 

Deonna:

Oh, man. Yeah.  

Rhandyl:

So, in our first part of Dumb Things People Say, we talk about things that you should say instead of. And so instead of telling someone, you're so strong you could just simply say, I admire you. Because I think that is, honestly, what people are trying to say in this situation, especially in this context.

Or something like, you're an inspiring parent or an inspiring caregiver. Because, I feel like, we can be an inspiration to others. And that's like Deonna said earlier, that's part of the reason we're doing this podcast and trying to connect with others in our same situation and others that aren’t- people that just want to know more so yeah.

Something like- I know your life is difficult, but you're killing it! You know that yeah, make me feel awesome because you're acknowledging that our life is difficult and different than theirs and, but they're complimenting how well we're managing you know, from the outside looking in.

Or something like your child is blessed to have you. I've had people tell me that, and, and I, I don't know about you? I feel like, in my line of work, I see a lot of children that I know how blessed my child is because if, she were in some of these other situations that I witness on a daily basis, she would not have just recently celebrated her 7th birthday. So, yeah…

Deonna:

Um no, we’ve heard stories. Yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. So. Or you've witnessed it in real life. 

Rhandyl:

It's just, it's, that's definitely something that you're trying to say the same thing as you're so strong, but your child is blessed to have you. I mean, it's similar, but yeah, those are just examples of things you could say instead of you're so strong because it is triggering to a lot of people, including me.

Deonna:

Yeah, it can be and I and like we said, these are just our opinions and like you heard when we were talking to all these different parents, we don't all fall on the same side of this stuff. No, and that's okay. We're all different personalities and things like that, but I really do like that your child is blessed to have you because it shows that you're acknowledging that this mom or dad is really trying hard and no, they may not have it all together or be strong 24/7. 

And I think when you say something like that, it allows the parent to be real because I have straight up lied to so many people in the last three years when they're like, how are you doing? And I'm like, doing good. Everything's great. 

Rhandyl:

Everyday!

Deonna:

Everyday is perfect. But it's like, they know that's not right but when they constantly are telling you how tough and strong you are, then you feel like you can't tell them the truth. And so saying something like, I know your life can be hard or, you know, your child's blessed to have you. I think that's good. And like we said, a lot of these disabled kids, you shouldn't say all this stuff in front of the kids, and I think that's something people..

Rhandyl:

Because even if they're nonverbal, they understand what you're saying. 

Deonna:

Yeah. Yeah. So you have to be careful of what you say in front of any disabled kid, because you don't ever want that kid to feel like they're a burden to their parents because they probably feel that way sometimes. Which breaks my heart into a million pieces, when I think about any kid feeling that way.

But yeah, we're just trying to kind of get the conversation going for people who want to be advocates to just understand a little bit more about what parents of disabled kids feel. And if you've said this to somebody in the past, it's not like we're trying to call you out or anything.

It's okay. It's okay. And I do really think that in the right setting and with the right relationship, someone telling me that I'm strong can actually be a really meaningful comment to me because it's them seeing how hard I'm trying to take care of my daughter because it's not easy and they see that.

But definitely not a grocery store comment at this point for me, no. But yeah, we hope you guys took something from this. And if you want to listen to our other dumb things, people say that was episode eight and we will see you guys next time.

**Disclaimer

Before we go, I wanna remind our listeners that this podcast is for the purpose of education and entertainment only, and is not a replacement for seeing a doctor. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained professional for help with your child's specific situation.